Is Your Clutter Making You Lonely?
Connection has been on my mind lately. Specifically friendships. It seems that I have friends I connect with on a daily and weekly basis, and then, like most of us, a group that I see less often. My every-6-months-to-a-year friends. And I’ve been wanting to reach out more, and thinking about how to make them all at least once-a-month friends.
My trainer asked me the other day (the incredible Diana Dunlea who I can’t recommend enough) if I was going to make New Year’s resolutions this year. The first thing out of my mouth was I want to get a birthday calendar. I picture hanging it next to my desk and gazing at my friend’s names thoughtfully like a sweet Grandma. Grandma’s are so good at remembering birthdays. I want to write more birthday cards. This popped into my head when wondering about friendship lately, and when Diana asked about New Year’s goals, I thought—Yes! This could be an excellent goal! Connecting more! Albeit only once a year, but it’s still another opportunity to let people know I’m thinking about them. (And bonus—an opportunity to write cards and play with stationary which are both true and deep passions.)
My mother had a long skinny birthday calendar that hung by her desk when I was little. Each month had a little rural cottage scene drawn at the top of the page and then one long column marking the days. She had all of our cousins and friends and family member’s names on it. I remember just loving that calendar. I think now as an adult, my kid self was attracted to that feminine care and connection, and I knew I wanted to grow up to be an emotionally reliable and consistent person like my mom.
So for my 2020 New Year’s Resolutions: I want to write more birthday cards, and I want to foster deeper connections.
As an organizer, I see daily how clutter functions to isolate us from the world. At every first session with a new client, I ask about how they want to feel in their home. I’d say around 75% of the time people mention wanting to feel better about having people over. Their house has gotten too cluttered and now they, or their kids or their spouse, feel embarrassed to have company.
Sometimes the clutter issue has been an ongoing struggle since childhood, but more often this clutter build-up is because of a big life event that happened. As a result, your space got kicked to the bottom of the priorities list. A new baby, an illness or a family issue, a move or combining households with a partner. Whatever the reason, it’s uncomfortable to live in a space that feels like it doesn’t reflect you. I know how impossible it can seem to right the ship. Too much stuff is isolating, which can make it even harder to ask for help when we need it.
There’s no shame in needing to isolate for a time. We may need to be isolated in order to heal or to protect ourselves from some sort of outside threat.
Isolation can serve a vital purpose. This clutter cocoon is not disconnected from the life event that caused it, but a reflection of our need to feel safe and insulated. But as those needs change, as the healing process progresses and the threat subsides, the nest can start to feel less protective and more prohibitive. What was once a useful moat keeping the bad out, over time just serves to keep you trapped in.
This shifting dual function of our clutter is exactly why introducing a step of gratitude before discarding can be so liberating.
If an item that used to protect you now makes you feel trapped, it’s a mixed bag of emotions letting it go. And if you’ve tried to declutter on your own before and gotten stuck, this might be the exact muck you’ve tromped into only to get discouraged and turn back. The key to making it through that muddy zone? Gratitude.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Thanking these items before letting them go is often the missing ingredient that allows people to declutter with ease instead of fear. ‘Thank you oversized sweatshirt for protecting me, I’m a bit stronger now, I’ll let you find someone else to love.’ Saying thank you is simple but deep. I know it can feel goofy thanking an inanimate object, but what have you got to loose? And more importantly, what have you got to gain?
If your clutter is making you lonely, you’re not alone.
Maybe it’s time to let more people back in. Maybe it’s time to start writing birthday cards and inviting people over. Whatever the current yearning for connection looks like, I wish you complete success in achieving it and I’m always here to help.
May this rainy week be filled with rekindled connections. May your holidays be warm and your loved ones close by.
-Raleigh